...not just another treatment day

so, i have been so depressed with all of the side effects i have been going through over the last month. 2 days of feeling human out of 14 just doesn't seem right. i went to the cancer center today because i was supposed to have my third treatment, BUT i decided that i wasn't sure if i should...i started asking questions about my treatment...is this the right one for me? so, after having my blood work done, i talked to the NP...i let her know all my concerns, and the side effects that i have been experiencing....we have postponed my treatment until i can talk with my oncologist tomorrow, then make a plan. i figure that i will continue with treatments, but that i will get a little break so i can feel normal for a while again.....now i know why other bc patients talk about having anxiety attacks about treatment...just the thought of doing it again brings tears to my eyes.

....another day....

...it has been so long since i've written...i haven't had the energy...no will to do, well, anything. i find that i have gotten sad...really sad....my hormones have been hit hard...i cry all the time....for no real reason....i feel like shit....tired....like i am going to pass out...i can stay awake for an hour or two before i get really sleepy again...they gave me a shot at my last chemo treatment to help boost my red blood cell count since mine were dying off, in hopes of avoiding a transfusion....but i went to work yesterday for 2 hours, and by an hour and a half into it, i had almost passed out just walking back to my desk. i get scared...i have to lay around all the time...i wonder if the treatment is worth it.....what would happen if i just stop?

ok...enough of my bitching...i am ready for all of this to be over (in a good way)...i can't say that i am ready for the next treatment, because the thought of it makes me want to cry again...but, just for the record....i am not always strong or positive (like THAT isn't obvious)...when will i get past the sad part to the anger to help me push through this shit?!?!?!?! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

...omg, the motherfu@&ing pain!!!!!!

today, well, yesterday, started out to be a great day....i woke up for the last day of the work week feeling happy, rested, energized, completely loved and adored...it was the first day since my treatment where I truly felt 100%...i was on cloud 9. i got to leave work at 1:30 so i could pick bret up from school and head to the cancer center for my blood work....we gotta keep an eye on those white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets. i decided to NOT use the EMLA cream this time to see what it was like accessing my port without any numbing substance....it was great...i felt NOTHING...

friday evening, all went well....after a 2 hour-ish nap snuggled with the one i love, teeny got dropped off for a friday night christmas tree decorating bonanza....i got most of the tree up (standing, not decorated) and we danced to xmas music....it was a good time...then i got really tired. i got the call from my onc to let me know that my white blood cell count is low (normally so), and i have to be on the lookout for infection, but that my levels are to be expected and i am not in need for a transfusion...so all is right in chemoland....so i made the family dinner and we settled in to relax for the night.

for those of you who are unaware of cancer treatment, the schedule goes as such....

1. 1 hour before scheduled treatment, blood work to make sure your levels are acceptable for treatment
2. treatment is through iv (with some additional drug pushing) for 2 hours (that will be extended to 4 hours once we switch to the taxol drug)
3. you take lots of pills for the next 2-4 days, including anti-nausea meds, and have to drink about a gallon of water to day to flush the system, and you have to flush the toilet TWICE after peeing for the first 72 hours.....and no unprotected sex for the same amount of time, since you are technically toxic to those around you
4. the day after treatment, you have to go back to the cancer center for a neulasta shot, which is a drug that stimulated the creation of white blood cells, etc, to help keep your levels up (since the chemo drugs kill off those very important cells)
5. a week after treatment, you go back for blood work, and they call to instruct you on what you need to do for the next week in order to promote being able to have treatment the next week.

well, at about 11 PM friday night, i was lucky enough to find out that my neulasta shot from last saturday KICKED IN (can you smell the sarcasm???)....my bones have never felt this kind of pain in my entire life! i wasn't sure what it was at first, the ache that slowly built in my knees, then my pelvis (front AND back separately), hip joints and now up into my skull. i went to bed around 2 am, hoping to just sleep through the aching, but was up crying at 4, then up and searching for my oxycodone by 6 am...

so here i am, 1 oxy into the pain, and i am afraid that i may have to take a second one to knock it out...i can't quite get it at bay enough to go back to sleep (but i know a second will make me too loopy).

i will be so glad when this is all over...

side effects

friday seemed fine....saturday too....until about 8:30 pm last night when i started to sleep....and just can't seem to stop. slept on and off (off being no more than 30 minutes at a time), all night and now all day today as well. then come the eye issues...i can't focus....it hurts to try and see....my head is pulsing...and now my body is all achy from all the sleeping.

i have not taken my 8 pm dose of compazine, the drug for anti nausea, in hopes that the side effects will dwindle without the nausea presenting itself. fingers crossed...

the toxic avenger takes a bride...

it is official...i am toxic....for the net three days, anyway. at 7 am this morning, i got up and applied my emla cream...went to the hospital at 8 to have the port accessed and blood done...labs came back an hour later showing that one of my five white blood cell counts was a little low, but since i wasn't having any symptoms of a cold or anything, we were to go ahead with the treatment....so, 2 hours later, i am pumped full of chemicals....out of the cancer center by noon, picking teeny up from daycare as 12:15, to the store for some supplies, and then back home for thanksgiving leftovers and (drum roll please) the shaving of my head....so, here it is:

so now, i am getting tired...i have already taken the anti nausea meds (just in case), and i am ready for some water and then a nap. i am sure i will write more later as side effects come...and go....

...a much needed break, of sorts....

monday i had my ct scan in the morning, then met with my oncologist in the afternoon. the results for the bone scan and the muga test from the week before were GREAT...no issues...everything looks good. as far as the ct scan, however, there were two little things that need to be looked at that came up on the CT scan before I can start chemo:

1. there is a small (4.5mm x 3.5mm) nodule in my right lung, and...
2. they found a cyst on my left ovary (i told them i am getting ready to ovulate, but they want an ultrasound to be safe.)

they may not do anything about the nodule in the lung as it is so small, and under the rib bone...we may just wait and see if it changes shape/size. she is asking the radiologist to look at the scan. once she gets all those results, we will schedule the start of my chemo (if all is well)...looks like the day after thanksgiving is the target.

well, today i had the ultrasound before i went to work...and after a good deal of prodding around, it comes out that everything is just fine...nothing abnormal with any part of my reproductive organs, so yay me! now, if we can just figure out the plan with the lung, we will be all set...so, it looks like chemo will start two weeks from tomorrow after all....which means, i will have another two weeks of feeling great before my treatments have to begin...which is good...i will feel good for bret's birthday, and can spoil him rotten, just like he deserves!

happy....

so last week i had my first two tests since recovering from the portacath surgery....and everything we GREAT! they accessed my port with no issues what so ever...both times. i LOVE my portacath...no matter what it took to get it in, it is proving to be a lifesaver...no more digging for hours in my left arm to try and get a vein...it is a no pain, 5 minute process...and they have full access.

monday i have my last test for a while...i am having the ct scan...then meeting with my oncologist to discuss the bone scan and muga i took last week. once we look over all th results, we will set my chemotherapy start date..and then it is only 8 sessions...and i am free (hopefully...so keep your fingers crossed!!!)

outside of the medical shit, life is so good...i am so in love...happy to be here with the man i love...enjoying being around the people with whom i work....but missing the rest of my family...i can't wait to ge better and go back to chicago for a visit...a "cancer free" party...everyone has been so supportive...all my friends and family....i am so very grateful and thankful