...ah yes...

a month later and finally a new blog. treatment is going well...i am four days into my third taxol treatment, and just getting over the two really harsh, achy side effect days. that being said, i now have the neulasta bone pain days to look forward to, and then smooth sailing until the thursday after next for my fourth treatment. originally, there were to be only four taxol treatments, but since we stopped at three a/c, we are adding a fifth round of taxol so we still get 8 total chemo sessions in. the side effects that i get from the taxol are; joint pain up my spine, in my hips, and in my knees...then i have bone and muscle pain all over my head, my cheeks and my teeth...feels like i have been beaten severely about the head; for some reason, the pain killers don't work on that, but the flexeril knocked my out enough that i was able to sleep through the night....and then after about 24 hours, *poof* it is gone! the neulasta pain is less than it used to be, but still in the same places....i get the shooting pain across my hips, front and back, and then shooting pain up my spine. the oxycodone takes care of that though...i am much happier on this treatment than i was the a/c, even though i no longer have any eyelashes or scarcely any eyebrows...i have even started working out again! i have to modify what i do, and don't have near the strength or energy i used to, but it feels so good to be MOVING AROUND again...and starting to rebuild all that has wasted away.

on a positive note, i finally went shopping and got new bras and underwear that FIT...i've dropped over 2 inches around my ribcage, lost 1 1/2 cup sizes and went down a size in underwear (happy about the underwear and rib cage, not so stoked about the boobs).....

outside of that, life is still great....i am so very much in love and feel happier and more driven than ever.

...update time...

so...only three more treatments to go....and the taxol isn't so bad...outside of the benedryl (which made me loopy as shit and sleep through over half my treatment), i have felt really good. i actually felt like i wasn't doing chemo at all until yesterday when the bone and muscle pain kicked in. i tried my oxy, but that just made me tired....didn't really help with any of the pain. it seems to be easing a little bit, but the shooting pain through my knees and my pelvis is aggravating me.

on a side note....here is the most updated pic of me in my wonderful baldness...they took pictures of my group for the company newsletter...here is one of the three i had to choose from:

side effects from round three

well, this time has been much better, or so it seems so far. i haven't had my neulasta shot yet...i slept through friday and didn't have the order for the emergency room for a saturday shot. monday was a loss, and now it is new years. i will call them tomorrow and see about going in for the shot just in case. side effects have mainly been fatigue, some tummy problems and then the emotional outbursts. i find that i get very weepy and insecure. i also find that i get fed up with having to be taken care of...i don't think it is fair to have to depend on bret for everything...

today i feel pretty good...yesterday i did too...just get tired and need to nap from time to time. one more of these AC treatments to go, and then i am set for the taxol treatments....4 of them...and then chemo is done...and we can start rebuilding. radiation therapy will then have to start...

...three down...

so, after taking an extra week off from chemo, i went and had my third treatment today...started feeling sleepy and spacey around 6:30...we are well stocked with gatorade, cream of wheat, peas (for the iron), yogurt and pudding. looks like i am back on the chemo diet...hope to not lose more than 10 lbs. i will try and keep better track of the AC side effects this time.

...'tis the season....

Happy Holidays....from my family to your's...

...not just another treatment day

so, i have been so depressed with all of the side effects i have been going through over the last month. 2 days of feeling human out of 14 just doesn't seem right. i went to the cancer center today because i was supposed to have my third treatment, BUT i decided that i wasn't sure if i should...i started asking questions about my treatment...is this the right one for me? so, after having my blood work done, i talked to the NP...i let her know all my concerns, and the side effects that i have been experiencing....we have postponed my treatment until i can talk with my oncologist tomorrow, then make a plan. i figure that i will continue with treatments, but that i will get a little break so i can feel normal for a while again.....now i know why other bc patients talk about having anxiety attacks about treatment...just the thought of doing it again brings tears to my eyes.

....another day....

...it has been so long since i've written...i haven't had the energy...no will to do, well, anything. i find that i have gotten sad...really sad....my hormones have been hit hard...i cry all the time....for no real reason....i feel like shit....tired....like i am going to pass out...i can stay awake for an hour or two before i get really sleepy again...they gave me a shot at my last chemo treatment to help boost my red blood cell count since mine were dying off, in hopes of avoiding a transfusion....but i went to work yesterday for 2 hours, and by an hour and a half into it, i had almost passed out just walking back to my desk. i get scared...i have to lay around all the time...i wonder if the treatment is worth it.....what would happen if i just stop?

ok...enough of my bitching...i am ready for all of this to be over (in a good way)...i can't say that i am ready for the next treatment, because the thought of it makes me want to cry again...but, just for the record....i am not always strong or positive (like THAT isn't obvious)...when will i get past the sad part to the anger to help me push through this shit?!?!?!?! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...