...three down...

so, after taking an extra week off from chemo, i went and had my third treatment today...started feeling sleepy and spacey around 6:30...we are well stocked with gatorade, cream of wheat, peas (for the iron), yogurt and pudding. looks like i am back on the chemo diet...hope to not lose more than 10 lbs. i will try and keep better track of the AC side effects this time.

...'tis the season....

Happy Holidays....from my family to your's...

...not just another treatment day

so, i have been so depressed with all of the side effects i have been going through over the last month. 2 days of feeling human out of 14 just doesn't seem right. i went to the cancer center today because i was supposed to have my third treatment, BUT i decided that i wasn't sure if i should...i started asking questions about my treatment...is this the right one for me? so, after having my blood work done, i talked to the NP...i let her know all my concerns, and the side effects that i have been experiencing....we have postponed my treatment until i can talk with my oncologist tomorrow, then make a plan. i figure that i will continue with treatments, but that i will get a little break so i can feel normal for a while again.....now i know why other bc patients talk about having anxiety attacks about treatment...just the thought of doing it again brings tears to my eyes.

....another day....

...it has been so long since i've written...i haven't had the energy...no will to do, well, anything. i find that i have gotten sad...really sad....my hormones have been hit hard...i cry all the time....for no real reason....i feel like shit....tired....like i am going to pass out...i can stay awake for an hour or two before i get really sleepy again...they gave me a shot at my last chemo treatment to help boost my red blood cell count since mine were dying off, in hopes of avoiding a transfusion....but i went to work yesterday for 2 hours, and by an hour and a half into it, i had almost passed out just walking back to my desk. i get scared...i have to lay around all the time...i wonder if the treatment is worth it.....what would happen if i just stop?

ok...enough of my bitching...i am ready for all of this to be over (in a good way)...i can't say that i am ready for the next treatment, because the thought of it makes me want to cry again...but, just for the record....i am not always strong or positive (like THAT isn't obvious)...when will i get past the sad part to the anger to help me push through this shit?!?!?!?! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

...omg, the motherfu@&ing pain!!!!!!

today, well, yesterday, started out to be a great day....i woke up for the last day of the work week feeling happy, rested, energized, completely loved and adored...it was the first day since my treatment where I truly felt 100%...i was on cloud 9. i got to leave work at 1:30 so i could pick bret up from school and head to the cancer center for my blood work....we gotta keep an eye on those white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets. i decided to NOT use the EMLA cream this time to see what it was like accessing my port without any numbing substance....it was great...i felt NOTHING...

friday evening, all went well....after a 2 hour-ish nap snuggled with the one i love, teeny got dropped off for a friday night christmas tree decorating bonanza....i got most of the tree up (standing, not decorated) and we danced to xmas music....it was a good time...then i got really tired. i got the call from my onc to let me know that my white blood cell count is low (normally so), and i have to be on the lookout for infection, but that my levels are to be expected and i am not in need for a transfusion...so all is right in chemoland....so i made the family dinner and we settled in to relax for the night.

for those of you who are unaware of cancer treatment, the schedule goes as such....

1. 1 hour before scheduled treatment, blood work to make sure your levels are acceptable for treatment
2. treatment is through iv (with some additional drug pushing) for 2 hours (that will be extended to 4 hours once we switch to the taxol drug)
3. you take lots of pills for the next 2-4 days, including anti-nausea meds, and have to drink about a gallon of water to day to flush the system, and you have to flush the toilet TWICE after peeing for the first 72 hours.....and no unprotected sex for the same amount of time, since you are technically toxic to those around you
4. the day after treatment, you have to go back to the cancer center for a neulasta shot, which is a drug that stimulated the creation of white blood cells, etc, to help keep your levels up (since the chemo drugs kill off those very important cells)
5. a week after treatment, you go back for blood work, and they call to instruct you on what you need to do for the next week in order to promote being able to have treatment the next week.

well, at about 11 PM friday night, i was lucky enough to find out that my neulasta shot from last saturday KICKED IN (can you smell the sarcasm???)....my bones have never felt this kind of pain in my entire life! i wasn't sure what it was at first, the ache that slowly built in my knees, then my pelvis (front AND back separately), hip joints and now up into my skull. i went to bed around 2 am, hoping to just sleep through the aching, but was up crying at 4, then up and searching for my oxycodone by 6 am...

so here i am, 1 oxy into the pain, and i am afraid that i may have to take a second one to knock it out...i can't quite get it at bay enough to go back to sleep (but i know a second will make me too loopy).

i will be so glad when this is all over...