...i had no idea....

as i sit here and think on things (since that is all i really am able to do at the moment), i am see things crop up about me and my life that aren't all that comfortable. i never thought that my dad leaving had THAT big of an impact on me...i figured i had long been over that. but i am finding that even though i have the best boyfriend and partner a person can ask for who has given me NO reason whatsoever to think that he would leave me, i am still scared that he is going to abandon me. i feel so weak...so vulnerable....and i hate it. i hate having to depend on someone else, i hate needing help, needing someone to take care of me...and at the same time, when i let myself BE vulnerable and accept help from him, i fear that he is going to see my weakness and the mutilation that my body has endured, and leave....just...walk....away.....why would i think that of a man whom i truly believes loves me? ...this brings me back to my dad...who also has, and continue to say, that he loves me...yet he up and left anyway....made no real attempt at forging a consistent relationship with me, and now that i have cancer, he hasn't contacted me ONCE since i gave him the news....can you be abandoned twice by someone who really never came back after the first time? and why should i let my relationship with my father impact my relationship with the man i trust and love more than any other person on the planet?

...it rubs the lotion on its skin...it does this whenever it is told...

i am sitting here at home....i should be working...keeping busy seems to be the best way to stop thinking about it...doing laundry...cleaning the house...getting ready for another early weekend of pain pills, grogginess and discomfort....i am here, but i am disconnected, disassociated, distant and dull...

i remember when i used to slip into depressions....the feeling that would come over me...the disassociation with the tangible world around me....it was like i went from being part of everything to watching every thing on a screen...like a movie...i was simply a spectator...no need for interaction, nothing was truly my concern....it was a quiet place, inside my head, dark and silent....

and so it begins....

this will be raw...of you can't handle it, don't read it. i may be bitchy, i may complain, i may be angry or hateful...but we all need a place to vent, and this is where i've chosen to do it.