...three down...

so, after taking an extra week off from chemo, i went and had my third treatment today...started feeling sleepy and spacey around 6:30...we are well stocked with gatorade, cream of wheat, peas (for the iron), yogurt and pudding. looks like i am back on the chemo diet...hope to not lose more than 10 lbs. i will try and keep better track of the AC side effects this time.

...'tis the season....

Happy Holidays....from my family to your's...

...not just another treatment day

so, i have been so depressed with all of the side effects i have been going through over the last month. 2 days of feeling human out of 14 just doesn't seem right. i went to the cancer center today because i was supposed to have my third treatment, BUT i decided that i wasn't sure if i should...i started asking questions about my treatment...is this the right one for me? so, after having my blood work done, i talked to the NP...i let her know all my concerns, and the side effects that i have been experiencing....we have postponed my treatment until i can talk with my oncologist tomorrow, then make a plan. i figure that i will continue with treatments, but that i will get a little break so i can feel normal for a while again.....now i know why other bc patients talk about having anxiety attacks about treatment...just the thought of doing it again brings tears to my eyes.

....another day....

...it has been so long since i've written...i haven't had the energy...no will to do, well, anything. i find that i have gotten sad...really sad....my hormones have been hit hard...i cry all the time....for no real reason....i feel like shit....tired....like i am going to pass out...i can stay awake for an hour or two before i get really sleepy again...they gave me a shot at my last chemo treatment to help boost my red blood cell count since mine were dying off, in hopes of avoiding a transfusion....but i went to work yesterday for 2 hours, and by an hour and a half into it, i had almost passed out just walking back to my desk. i get scared...i have to lay around all the time...i wonder if the treatment is worth it.....what would happen if i just stop?

ok...enough of my bitching...i am ready for all of this to be over (in a good way)...i can't say that i am ready for the next treatment, because the thought of it makes me want to cry again...but, just for the record....i am not always strong or positive (like THAT isn't obvious)...when will i get past the sad part to the anger to help me push through this shit?!?!?!?! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

...omg, the motherfu@&ing pain!!!!!!

today, well, yesterday, started out to be a great day....i woke up for the last day of the work week feeling happy, rested, energized, completely loved and adored...it was the first day since my treatment where I truly felt 100%...i was on cloud 9. i got to leave work at 1:30 so i could pick bret up from school and head to the cancer center for my blood work....we gotta keep an eye on those white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets. i decided to NOT use the EMLA cream this time to see what it was like accessing my port without any numbing substance....it was great...i felt NOTHING...

friday evening, all went well....after a 2 hour-ish nap snuggled with the one i love, teeny got dropped off for a friday night christmas tree decorating bonanza....i got most of the tree up (standing, not decorated) and we danced to xmas music....it was a good time...then i got really tired. i got the call from my onc to let me know that my white blood cell count is low (normally so), and i have to be on the lookout for infection, but that my levels are to be expected and i am not in need for a transfusion...so all is right in chemoland....so i made the family dinner and we settled in to relax for the night.

for those of you who are unaware of cancer treatment, the schedule goes as such....

1. 1 hour before scheduled treatment, blood work to make sure your levels are acceptable for treatment
2. treatment is through iv (with some additional drug pushing) for 2 hours (that will be extended to 4 hours once we switch to the taxol drug)
3. you take lots of pills for the next 2-4 days, including anti-nausea meds, and have to drink about a gallon of water to day to flush the system, and you have to flush the toilet TWICE after peeing for the first 72 hours.....and no unprotected sex for the same amount of time, since you are technically toxic to those around you
4. the day after treatment, you have to go back to the cancer center for a neulasta shot, which is a drug that stimulated the creation of white blood cells, etc, to help keep your levels up (since the chemo drugs kill off those very important cells)
5. a week after treatment, you go back for blood work, and they call to instruct you on what you need to do for the next week in order to promote being able to have treatment the next week.

well, at about 11 PM friday night, i was lucky enough to find out that my neulasta shot from last saturday KICKED IN (can you smell the sarcasm???)....my bones have never felt this kind of pain in my entire life! i wasn't sure what it was at first, the ache that slowly built in my knees, then my pelvis (front AND back separately), hip joints and now up into my skull. i went to bed around 2 am, hoping to just sleep through the aching, but was up crying at 4, then up and searching for my oxycodone by 6 am...

so here i am, 1 oxy into the pain, and i am afraid that i may have to take a second one to knock it out...i can't quite get it at bay enough to go back to sleep (but i know a second will make me too loopy).

i will be so glad when this is all over...

side effects

friday seemed fine....saturday too....until about 8:30 pm last night when i started to sleep....and just can't seem to stop. slept on and off (off being no more than 30 minutes at a time), all night and now all day today as well. then come the eye issues...i can't focus....it hurts to try and see....my head is pulsing...and now my body is all achy from all the sleeping.

i have not taken my 8 pm dose of compazine, the drug for anti nausea, in hopes that the side effects will dwindle without the nausea presenting itself. fingers crossed...

the toxic avenger takes a bride...

it is official...i am toxic....for the net three days, anyway. at 7 am this morning, i got up and applied my emla cream...went to the hospital at 8 to have the port accessed and blood done...labs came back an hour later showing that one of my five white blood cell counts was a little low, but since i wasn't having any symptoms of a cold or anything, we were to go ahead with the treatment....so, 2 hours later, i am pumped full of chemicals....out of the cancer center by noon, picking teeny up from daycare as 12:15, to the store for some supplies, and then back home for thanksgiving leftovers and (drum roll please) the shaving of my head....so, here it is:

so now, i am getting tired...i have already taken the anti nausea meds (just in case), and i am ready for some water and then a nap. i am sure i will write more later as side effects come...and go....

...a much needed break, of sorts....

monday i had my ct scan in the morning, then met with my oncologist in the afternoon. the results for the bone scan and the muga test from the week before were GREAT...no issues...everything looks good. as far as the ct scan, however, there were two little things that need to be looked at that came up on the CT scan before I can start chemo:

1. there is a small (4.5mm x 3.5mm) nodule in my right lung, and...
2. they found a cyst on my left ovary (i told them i am getting ready to ovulate, but they want an ultrasound to be safe.)

they may not do anything about the nodule in the lung as it is so small, and under the rib bone...we may just wait and see if it changes shape/size. she is asking the radiologist to look at the scan. once she gets all those results, we will schedule the start of my chemo (if all is well)...looks like the day after thanksgiving is the target.

well, today i had the ultrasound before i went to work...and after a good deal of prodding around, it comes out that everything is just fine...nothing abnormal with any part of my reproductive organs, so yay me! now, if we can just figure out the plan with the lung, we will be all set...so, it looks like chemo will start two weeks from tomorrow after all....which means, i will have another two weeks of feeling great before my treatments have to begin...which is good...i will feel good for bret's birthday, and can spoil him rotten, just like he deserves!

happy....

so last week i had my first two tests since recovering from the portacath surgery....and everything we GREAT! they accessed my port with no issues what so ever...both times. i LOVE my portacath...no matter what it took to get it in, it is proving to be a lifesaver...no more digging for hours in my left arm to try and get a vein...it is a no pain, 5 minute process...and they have full access.

monday i have my last test for a while...i am having the ct scan...then meeting with my oncologist to discuss the bone scan and muga i took last week. once we look over all th results, we will set my chemotherapy start date..and then it is only 8 sessions...and i am free (hopefully...so keep your fingers crossed!!!)

outside of the medical shit, life is so good...i am so in love...happy to be here with the man i love...enjoying being around the people with whom i work....but missing the rest of my family...i can't wait to ge better and go back to chicago for a visit...a "cancer free" party...everyone has been so supportive...all my friends and family....i am so very grateful and thankful

just call me murphy....

what a week full of excitement! my love and i got up at 5:30 am, thursday morning (last week) in order to make the patient registration time of 6:15 at the hospital....i was to have my portacath installed...yay! we get there, i get weighed, changed into my lovely hospital gown, and sit there patiently as they TRY to get an iv in me for the procedure. luckliy, the nurse gets it on the second try....in a tender spot, but it was in and that is all that counts. this is supposed to be a 30-45 minute procedure that i would get to go home right after. we figured....in by 6:15, home by 8:30..back in bed by 8:35 and we can pretend that we slept in and roll out of bed, happily snuggled at around noon. great plan....too bad....

i wake up in the recovery room and it is already 8:30....the procedure took WAY longer than it should have....the last time that happened, i had to stay in the hospital overnight. i guess that they had a hard time finding the vein needed (they needed an ultrasound to find it...it is lower than most peoples)...and that my veins are small. now that i look at it, it is in a diferent location that i was told...kind of half way between my collar bone and my boob. anyway, the surgeon came in and told me that they think they may have punctured my lung, and that i needed to have a chest xray and wait two hours to see if things were healing themselves. 1st chest xrey at 10:00....left lung is colapsed to about 50%....second xray at 12:00....same thing....they tell me that they are going to need to insert a chest tube, which will be uncomfortable, and that i will need to be admitted to the hospital for at least 48 hours for the lung to fully expand, yadda yadda. they kick bret out of the room, inject me with the twilight drugs again, i pass out...next thing i know is that i am waking up with a big tube sticking out of my left side. they then move me to my room....207. here is an example of a chest tube:

while i was in the hospital, i had to pee in a bedpan....couldn't be detached from the suction device that was trying to help my lung become full again. the nurses were nice....but that doesn't make up for having to pee in a pink plastic container. i almost threw up the first evening...i don't think my body liked the in and out of anesthesia thing...but starting the next morning, i was eating normally again. i had another chest xray the following day, mid-morning...and dr. banks came in and told me that it looked good...the lung was back full force. they would keep me hooked up overnight, turn the suction machine off at 6 am the next morning, take another xray, and if it looked good, they would pull the tube and send me home.

can i tell you how great it felt to NOT be hooked up to all those tubes?!?!? i started with an iv, added the oxygen up my nose, and then the tube in my chest....once they began to get rid of them, i felt so FREE!!!!

all went well....after three pain meds to find the right one for me (oxycodone was the winner), they yanked the tube out (literally), let me get dressed, gave me my release orders and sent us on our way...all before lunch.

so now, i am sitting here, working from home. i have slowed down on the oxycodone, have taken my anticoagulant 2 days in a row (small veins plus portacath equals higher potential for bloodclots)...i have tests that i am supposed to take tomorrow and thursday, and then follow-up with my oncologist on friday. here we are....the quick countdown to the start of my chemotherapy...once it starts, it is 8 sessions until it is over...hopefully they will fly by without incident...and i will start to rebuild my strength...i wonder if my hair will grow back curly or not?

cancer treatments pre chemo....

me before this all starts....working out relatively regularly...very happy with life














this is the love of my life..he who sticks by me through everything...comforts me, protects me, holds me when i cry or feel down, makes sure i'm eating well, getting my vitamins and minerals, goes to my appointments with me, stays with me in the hospital, loves me more than anyone has every been able to show before (the way i need to be loved, no less), knows me, understands me (as well as anyone can), feels me, moves me...(i could go on forever...bret truly is wonderful)...in any case, this is him

:D








so, this is how it begins....

• August 18, 2007: i find a lump in my right boob
• August 20, 2007: i go to my primary care physician to have the exam so she can have a mammogram and ultrasound scheduled for me
• August 21, 2007: i find out that there is a concerning looking mass in my boob, so we have to schedule a core biopsy with the surgeon
• August 22, 2007: core biopsy takes place
• August 24, 2007: the pathologist doesn't see any cancerous cells, but there is a lot of enflamed tissue in the core samples
• August 28, 2007: i meet with the surgeon and we schedule the first excisional biopsy to get the mass out and have the thing tested in its entirety
• August 30,2007: excisional biopsy done
• August 31, 2007: i get a call from the surgeons nurse telling me that the test came back positive for breast cancer, and i tell my family
• September 20, 2007: have the lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, they find cancer cells in the sentinel node and take the auxiliary node cluster from under my arm. i am admitted to the hospital over night, and have a drain for the lymph fluid.
• September 26, 2007: go to the surgeon to have the drain removed. strangely enough, when they pull the drain they find that there was a blockage in it, and i get a waterfall of warm lymph fluid gushing down my side, all over my jeans. it takes over 15 minuted to get all the fluid that has built up out of me, and the wounds are dressed.
  i also find out that one of the 14 auxiliary nodes came up positive for cancer cells, but less than 1mm. that is a good sign.
• every other day from here until October 4, 2007, i go to the surgeon to have the fluid manually drained from under my armpit where the lymph nodes were removed.
  
• October 4, 2007: i met with the oncologist to discuss the treatment options they suggest, go over the options, look at my prognosis and have my baseline exam with her. i find out that she is married to my surgeon and that she and i see things a lot the same way. my surgeon comes down to find me in my oncologists office so he can drain the fluid for me while i am meeting with his wife...great service! bret and i leave the oncologists office with a lot of information, and new appointments for more tests before i have to get the portacath implanted and can start the treatment that we choose to go through.
• October 9, 2007: head off to the hospital again, after working in the morning, and drinking two berry smoothies (barium shakes for the CT scan...yuck), only to get to the hospital, changed into the gown and pants they give me, lay on the CT scan table...and have them REPEATEDLY MISS vein after vein in my left arm trying to get the IV in....my veins are just too small for the medium sized catheter they were trying to feed into my arm. after 4 attempts and one majorly blown vein (the only one that was worth sticking in the first place), i told them that i was done and going the fuck home. all tests were cancelled for the day.

here we are...this is me today:

i am looking to have a CT friendly portacath implanted on thursday, October 18...then a CT and Bone scan on the 23rd...the muga scan for my heart on the 25th...and the follow-up with my oncologist on the 26th....at that point, we will schedule the start of my chemo treatments...

...i had no idea....

as i sit here and think on things (since that is all i really am able to do at the moment), i am see things crop up about me and my life that aren't all that comfortable. i never thought that my dad leaving had THAT big of an impact on me...i figured i had long been over that. but i am finding that even though i have the best boyfriend and partner a person can ask for who has given me NO reason whatsoever to think that he would leave me, i am still scared that he is going to abandon me. i feel so weak...so vulnerable....and i hate it. i hate having to depend on someone else, i hate needing help, needing someone to take care of me...and at the same time, when i let myself BE vulnerable and accept help from him, i fear that he is going to see my weakness and the mutilation that my body has endured, and leave....just...walk....away.....why would i think that of a man whom i truly believes loves me? ...this brings me back to my dad...who also has, and continue to say, that he loves me...yet he up and left anyway....made no real attempt at forging a consistent relationship with me, and now that i have cancer, he hasn't contacted me ONCE since i gave him the news....can you be abandoned twice by someone who really never came back after the first time? and why should i let my relationship with my father impact my relationship with the man i trust and love more than any other person on the planet?

...it rubs the lotion on its skin...it does this whenever it is told...

i am sitting here at home....i should be working...keeping busy seems to be the best way to stop thinking about it...doing laundry...cleaning the house...getting ready for another early weekend of pain pills, grogginess and discomfort....i am here, but i am disconnected, disassociated, distant and dull...

i remember when i used to slip into depressions....the feeling that would come over me...the disassociation with the tangible world around me....it was like i went from being part of everything to watching every thing on a screen...like a movie...i was simply a spectator...no need for interaction, nothing was truly my concern....it was a quiet place, inside my head, dark and silent....

and so it begins....

this will be raw...of you can't handle it, don't read it. i may be bitchy, i may complain, i may be angry or hateful...but we all need a place to vent, and this is where i've chosen to do it.